Monday, August 16, 2010

** Bits & Pieces About My Mother **

As I said last week, I posted a lot of memories and photos for my (deceased) dad's birthday, but I kind of just skipped right past my mom's and I certainly didn't intend to do that. She was born on August 6th, 1915. (If you noticed the date of my dad's birth, she was nine years older than he was.) She would've been 95 years old! Happy Belated Birthday, Mom!
Mother was a true homemaker in the 1950’s kind of way.
(courtesy: countryinthetown. blogspot)

She cooked homemade meals and made wonderful baked goods. She always let me help, too, even if I really was more of a hindrance. I couldn’t have been happier for those first few years of my life, but then my carefree days came to an abrupt end when my dad decided to leave.



(Mid 1950's - summer vacation)
She had already endured the loss of one husband. Her first husband was killed in World War II. And then, her second one decided he didn’t want to be married to her anymore. I know she was devastated by both losses, but probably more so by my dad, because he chose to leave. She never did get over that. I remember feeling sad and helpless sometime because I couldn’t do or say something that would make her happy again.

Looking back on it now, I'm sure she suffered from depression. There wasn't a whole lot of joy in our house from that point on. There weren't the kinds of medications to help then, either.

There's so much more to the story, but that my dear friends, is all for now. The rest is in the book.....

**After reading the first few comments, I decided to post the link to the story I wrote about my parents, that was accepted and published in Chicken Soup for the Soul; Divorce & Recovery. I've mentioned it before, but many readers may not have seen it.  It was also chosen to be published on Belief Net.

"I was very mad at my father and I wanted him to die so I could remember him the way he was before he left us, not what he had turned into." -- Written by a nine year old in www.divorceandkids.com

( I can remember thinking the same kinds of things....It took me many years to forgive him.)

22 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your mother sounds like she was an exceptional and wonderful person-- and a very, very good parent. So much she had to endure... God bless her sweet soul.

    My father was a twenty-year old idiot who impreganted my mom (almost 16) with my sister, and then me two minutes after or there abouts, before skipping town (for what should have been forever). Like I said, he was an idiot. They divorced. No alimony, no child support -- only threats that he would steal us while we were outside playing, etc. -- "fun" stuff like that, so we never really ever slept easy again. He's still an idiot, but now, my mother is an even bigger one. "Dad" appeared on her doorstep about three years ago while she was still married to her 2nd husband. When my stepfather died a couple of years ago, he started publically referring to her as his wife. The whole deal sickens me. Mom had always led my sister and I to believe our "father" was an irresponsible monster that she never loved--> she was just young and stupid and hormonal and he was young, stupid, hormonal and in and out of jail (car theft and anything else to keep him busy so he wouldn't have to get a real job) and despised children, especially us, in any shape, way, or form.

    I have no relationship with my biological father and do not want one. Very unfortunately, my mom has somehow erased the horrors we endured because of this guy and, last week, announced that they are engaged to be married again! There's nothing I can say or do to get through to my mom about how painful the choices she is making are. I can't imagine how things will ever be the same between us. I am more sad than angry. Very, very sad. But I will have to just work through it. And I will get through and so will Puppet. I hope.

    Thanks for letting me bend your ear. It's been a month since Mom gave me her wedding bells news, yet I haven't been able to tell my daughter (Puppet will be crushed. I asked my mother how I should explain to her that the only grandfather (my stepdad) she has ever known has been completely erased. Mom doesn't seem to think that's her problem...) or my husband about this. I guess I really needed to talk. Thank you again.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My dad didn't leave, but I wished he would have - and taken us with him.

    I used to wish they'd get divorced, and that he'd take custody of us (my mom was crazy and abusive) - there is no way that kids can understand all the nuances of what is going on in an adult relationship.

    Sorry that your mom couldn't find happiness without him.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Becky: I think the problems and difficulties of adults definitely impact the lives of the children in their care.

    Abandonment is a tough one, as is divorce. Depression is devastating to all, too.

    I'm sorry you had to endure all that but look! You are a true survivor and you have a great sense of humor despite all that you lived through.

    I think "this, too, shall pass" helps a lot as well as the realization that parents, and that includes most parents, do the best they can with what they have. If they don't give more, it's because they don't have more to give.

    One cannot give a gift she/he has not received her/himself.

    Whatever parents cannot give to children, it is up to the children to give to themselves as adults. It's a lifelong process.

    Plus, I believe there are good and bad aspects of all parenting. It's better to try to concentrate on the good rather thanjust the bad.I know you have done that. That's my own opinion, anyway.

    Hope you have a wonderful day, Becky. You are a super person who spreads joy to others. What a gift that is! Susan

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you Sparkle for sharing your story. I'm finding myself kind of speechless, which doesn't happen very often. I can't begin to imagine how you feel or to give you any advice. I just wish peace for you and your daughter.

    Hi June ~ Thank you for sharing some of your story, too. Isn't it amazing what some children go through? And I think more and more, that most families never were like The Cleavers, but how were we to know? You said something that I've thought about for years, too, and that's how my mom couldn't find any happiness without him. THAT also affected my brother and I greatly.

    Hi Susan! Thank you for your very insightful comments!! You said a lot of "good stuff" right there! And gee...thanks for the compliments! I don't really know how I became a fun(ny), happy person. It took years, though...and I'm sure my husband had a lot to do with it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am blessed to have grown up with parents that are happily married. I've only ever heard them fight once and it was one sentence back and forth before it was dropped.

    Your mother sounded like a very strong woman. I guess thats why people claim that mothers are the strongest women out there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have 'father' issues and you blog about your Mother is so interesting. I guess I'm lucky my Mom remarried to a wonderful man who adopted me and became the great Father I needed in my life. My Mom managed to never blame or criticize my birth father. She is an amazing woman.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really enjoyed reading your Chicken Soup for the Soul story. What a beautiful example of forgiveness.

    =)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Becky---

    We lose our parents in all sorts of ways. I was adopted as a baby, and never got to know my biological mom (although I've seen photos of her). I have no idea who my biological dad is...Both of my parents are still alive, but my dad has alzheimers (is in the late stages) and so physically he is fine, but mentally, he knows no one.

    Humor is a way to "rehab" your outlook. If you have ever read Carol Burnett's memoir about her childhood, she had a very dysfunctional family (her dad was an alcoholic, she was raised by a grandmother who was a "hoarder"---they had a path that ran through the house, but otherwise, the interior of their place was heaped with clutter and garbage). She certainly used humor to cope...

    It's unfortunate that your mom never found lasting happiness with a mate...

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is a wonderfully candid, post, Becky. I can't even begin to imagine what your mother went through, or the effects it had on you. I applaud your strength and honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great article from Chicken Soup for the Soul - how heartwarming.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Jennee ~ That's great that you had happy parents growing up! You really are fortunate!

    Hi Linda ~ I often wondered how my life would've turned out (and my mother's and brother's) if mom would've remarried. Who knows? It could've been worse...the old evil step-father kind of thing! I'm happy you had/have a great step-dad!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Becky---I'm so glad you included the link to your story. It's marvelous. I loved the phrase when you said of your father, "I wasn't finished with him yet."

    Yes. Not screwing up your kids IS a major accomplishment, and one you should be proud of!

    ReplyDelete
  14. That was a very moving story, Becky. I'm glad you got the opportunity to make peace with your dad.

    Pat
    www.critteralley.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Sue ~ Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked my story.

    Hi Sioux ~ Thank you very much for both your comments. I am always amazed when I learn of other people's hardships, etc. that they've endured. None of us are alone, are we? I knew about Carol Burnett's grandma raising her, and how she loved to go to the movies all the time, but I didn't know the "hoarder" part. I'll have to add her book to my list that's getting about as long as Santa's!

    Thanks, Sam! You are such a neat guy!

    Hi Lynn! Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

    Hi K9Pat! Thank you. I really am glad, too, I was able to do that. As I learned a long time ago, forgiveness is not really for the one who hurt us, but for ourselves. I can't imagine how I would feel if I hadn't gotten that chance.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I feel bad for your Mom and her depression issues. I am sure that she is looking down from heaven with pride over how you have turned out, Becky!

    I just re-read your story about getting back in touch with your Dad. I am so glad that you kept putting yourself out there and that you went for it, since the lasting rewards were so worth it.

    For the first 7 years of my nephew's life, his father was totally absent. Then he showed up around S.'s birthday, bearing gifts galore. A couple of days later he called and left S. a message to please call him. We kept reminding S. to call his dad, and finally S. said, "He waited 7 years to get back to me, he can wait a while longer for me to get back to him!"

    :>)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am always amazed at the strength many women have. My grandfather was a mean drunk who pretty much came back into my mother's family just to get my grandmother pregnant and leave again. Grandma ended up being a single mother to 7 children and her husband passed away from alcohol-related issues when his oldest child was a teenager.

    Grandma suffered abuse and poverty, but she made it through and I loved her dearly.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Becky, thanks so much for visiting me at The Marmelade Gypsy on my BON day! It was nice meeting you!

    I've been looking over your blog but I particularly was touched by this post. I love writing about my parents -- there is so much to admire in looking back at our moms and dads. THis post was wonderful and I loved the illustrations, too!

    Thanks again, jeanie

    ReplyDelete
  19. Happy birthday to your mom - what a wonderful story about her.

    Sandie

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow. I was lucky to have two parents crazy in love. I probably took it for granted as a kid, but as an adult I can appreciate it. I've been fortunate in my marriage, as well. 30 happy years and counting. What your mom went through had to be traumatic, especially with kids in the mix. I can't imagine. Looking forward to reading your book.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your mom sounds much the way my mom was when I was little, Becky. I'm sorry about how things turned out with your dad. I can't imagine how difficult that was for both you and your mom. I do believe that you being able to write about it made it easier for you to deal with. Writing is good therapy, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Kathy ~ Thanks so much for all your comments!

    Hi Janel ~ Gosh, your grandma really did have a hard life, and your mother, too, I'm sure. I'm always amazed at the strength of some people. I don't consider myself strong at all...just a kind of survivor, I guess.

    Hi Jeanie ~ Thank you very much for stopping and commenting. I'm so glad you enjoyed my blog and especially this story.

    Hi Sandie ~ Thank you!

    Hi Lisa ~ Thanks! And yes, you've been fortunate, I think, with having happily married parents, AND your own happy marriage! That makes me happy for you! :)

    Hi Daisy ~ Thank you! Yes, writing has been very theraputic!

    ReplyDelete

I'm still getting quite a few spam comments that are Anonymous, so I'm trying "User with Google Accounts." If anyone tries to comment that I know, and it won't let you, send me an email, okay? Thanks so much.