"...IF YOU FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, DOORS WILL OPEN FOR YOU THAT WOULDN'T HAVE OPENED FOR ANYONE ELSE." - Joseph Campbell

"SOMETIMES ON THE WAY TO YOUR DREAM, YOU GET LOST AND FIND A BETTER ONE." - Unknown (as seen on River's blog, "Drifting Through Life")

"IT IS POSSIBLE AT ANY AGE TO DISCOVER A LIFELONG DESIRE YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD." - Robert Brault


"IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHO YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN." - George Eliot

"WE DID NOT CHANGE AS WE GREW OLDER. WE JUST BECAME MORE CLEARLY OURSELVES." - Lynn Hall

"GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR DREAMS! LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE IMAGED." - Henry David Thoreau



Thursday, March 10, 2016

* MY ERMA ENTRY....AND A GIFT CARD GIVEAWAY *

I've made the decision to post my entry for the Erma Bombeck 2016 Writing Competition here on my blog. Some of my writer pals have suggested they might save theirs for another contest, but after thinking it over, I didn't like the possibility of it being rejected...again!
 
(At the bottom, please keep scrolling and reading
 for some information about my entry, 
and also about a gift card giveaway)
 
 
Erma Bombeck


Husbands: Sometimes You Can’t Hardly Look at Them Without Snarling!

Boy, don’t I know it! What is it with men anyway? When it comes to listening to their wives, they either can’t understand simple directions, only hear part of what we say, or completely tune us out. My much-loved husband Ron, has been guilty of all three complaints a few times during our 33 years of marriage, but the most recent episode practically had me snarling in the aisles of a local grocery store.

It all began one morning at the checkout counter in an outlet mall, when I realized I didn’t have my debit card. Fortunately I had my Master Card tucked away in a special area of my purse…for Emergencies Only. I’d say this particular moment was definitely an emergency. I certainly didn’t want the embarrassment of announcing I didn’t have enough money.

After paying for my purchase, I walked to the parking lot in a daze, tossed my bags into my car, and climbed in…racking my brain the entire time. When did I use that card last? Where could it be? Was a bandit emptying out my “gigantic” bank account at this very moment?! I wondered about it as I drove to my next stop. Then it hit me! I used it the day before when I bought lunch, and tucked it inside the top pocket of my suit jacket.

As soon as I got to the grocery store, I called Ron and asked him to look in our bedroom closet for the jacket. I guess he heard “my brown winter coat in the coat closet.” Uh, no. Then he thought I said “a sweatshirt.” NO! I finally got him to listen enough to hear me say, “No, it’s in my side of our bedroom closet. Look for a lightweight jacket that has tiny red, black, and white squares, TINY squares.” I hear the noise of hangers being pushed back and forth.

“I don’t see anything like that.”

“It has to be right in front of you. It’s kind of like a shirt with a collar. It’s not a heavy jacket.”

More silence except the swishing of clothes and hangers. Once again he said it’s not there. I let out a heavy sigh, but kept my mounting frustration to myself.

 “Never mind. I’ll look when I get home. Thanks anyway, honey. Bye.”

As I pushed my cart along, he texted the words “Got it” along with a photo of the jacket and the card. Unbelievable.

When I got home, he said I hadn’t told him it had little squares, but that I’d said “polka dots.” Oh my gosh. Husbands. Sometimes you can’t hardly look at them (or listen to them) without snarling!
 
Okay, here's some info about this piece
 
I realize that "can't hardly" is not proper grammar! The entire title is something my dear friend, Rita W. said to me a few years ago. We were sitting at her kitchen table (isn't that just the best place to talk with your girlfriends?) and we were complaining about whatever our husbands were doing, or were not doing, at that time that was driving us crazy. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I busted out laughing (which happened a lot when Rita was anywhere near) and said, "Hold on. I've got to write that down, so I don't forget it! I grabbed a pen and scrap paper from my purse, jotted it down, and have kept it ever since. It's all wadded up and in a huge envelope of notes and clippings of "writerly stuff." I'll write more about Rita another day, but for now just know that she was sweet, kind, motherly, hilarious, ETC! I've referred to her for years as Crazy Rita. She died about 2-1/2 years ago and I think of her every single day and miss her so much. I hope she's smiling at me right now, and making her crazy snarling face!

~~~ 
GIFT CARD GIVEAWAY
 



I have a Barnes & Noble gift card for $10.00 that can be used in a store or online. All you need to do is leave a comment here of any kind. Maybe you have a funny spouse story you'd like to share, or something about a wonderful friend, or what purchase you'd like to put your gift card toward...I realize $10.00 can't buy much of anything all by its little old self! (Drawing will be done next Wednesday, March 16)
 
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Hey you....you definitely make me happy!


22 comments:

  1. Your essay was very good,Becky!!! I never enter this comp anymore becuase the year I did, I found the winner was nothing like Erma at all. I found their insulting to many who wrote like Erma and deserved a standing higher than ones chosen.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Claudia, thank you! I understand about the judging of the essays. I was surprised and upset a few years ago when I read the winning entries, too. You're right. They were nothing like Erma, at all. When Donna V won a couple of years ago, though....hers was like Erma! Oh well...it all goes by who the judges are. My entry will be included in my sequel :)

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  2. Hi Becky, do you know I cannot think of one funny spouse story and I know I have dozens of them. However, your story here above is brilliant. thanks for sharing with us. I would spend my $10 on an online book. Have a great day. Jo

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    1. Ah Jo, you're always so generous with your compliments! :)
      Thanks so much for commenting, and when you think of any of your funny spouse stories, please email me!!

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  3. Selective deafness. There are some things my partner NEVER hears, and then complains bitterly I didn't tell him. And other things he could hear through locked doors in a thunderstorm. My mother described is as 'some people are deaf through act of god, and others through malice'.
    Not listening is the thing most likely to invite my psycho bitch into the room.
    Loved, and recognised, your entry.

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    Replies
    1. Hey Sue! I love your comment about your "psycho bitch," and I agree. It's infuriating!! And thanks of course for enjoying my entry.

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  4. Enjoyed reading your entry, Becky! I, too, submitted a piece for this contest. Nada. I read the winning entry, but didn't find anything particularly special about it. Maybe I've just got a big bad case of sour grapes!

    Pat
    Critter Alley

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    Replies
    1. Hey Pat! Thanks! And I'd like to read your entry, too. I'm sure it is awesome! Maybe we should arrange our lunch date now...and turn those sour grapes into wine. LOL

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  5. First I'd like to say that your generosity in offering a gift card is outstanding. Thank you for this opportunity. Second, I LOVE your anecdote about your husband. Dang, if that species doesn't listen intently to what we say. It happens to me all the time. [But of course, I'm going to deny that should my husband borrow my computer.] Husbands don't look very well when they are searching for something they want either. And if I give direction, depending upon his mood, I can be in a lot of trouble. Thanks for sharing your story, Becky!

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    1. Hi Victoria! I just love your comments. You are always so sweet. I'm so glad you liked my story! I also stopped by your blog this afternoon and left a comment for you.

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  6. Great story and oh so true. My husband not only has selective hearing, when he goes to look for something I swear the man must close his eyes. When he finally begs for my assistance, I walk right over and pluck the missing item that is right in front of his eyes.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Alice! Thanks so much for stopping and commenting! So glad you liked my story. Isn't it funny how we women all seem to have similar stories about our guys?? Mine also can't find things right in front of him...just like the jacket! ;)

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  7. Lol, I can certainly relate to your entry. Too bad the judges often select entries that don't reflect Erma's writing style. I have given up on this contest. Maybe a book titled, My Husband Hears Me But He Never Listens. Haha!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Linda! Thanks! Glad you LOL'd at my story :)
      And I love the title of your book idea!

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  8. Since I don't have a husband I only have myself to blame when I misunderstand what I say!

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  9. I hesitate to comment because I do NOT want to be in the gift card draw, but that story i quite funny and I just had to let you know I enjoyed reading it.
    My hubby used to say he couldn't find stuff (anything) and I'd ask, "have you looked?" and he'd say "no, it's quicker to say I can't find it, then have you unearth it in two seconds."

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  10. "is quite funny", damn typo...

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  11. Hi Becky,
    Your story had me laughing and wondering if all husbands have selective hearing.

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  12. Oh Becky I love this post. Your story helps me know I'm not alone in this universal misunderstanding between husbands and wives. My husband is hearing impaired in so many ways. Ha. It's so generous of you to do this give away. You already give so much.

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  13. LOL-ing here in Phoenix!
    My DH's hearing has deteriorated so, I'm tempted to buy a chalkboard. (I know he can't help it, but boy, it's frustrating.)

    Not sure of the 'secret ingredient', but there's nothing that can compare to girlfriends' humor.

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  14. I've enjoyed Your blog for a while now and glad that I found it because You do make Me laugh.The whole story sounded so very familiar.As time goes by things like that happen every day to Me.

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  15. Hi Becky. That was a great little story. I know men look at almost everything different than women.

    Nice of you to have a giveaway. I LOVE Barnes and Noble. Great book store.

    Hope you have a nice Wednesday. Susan

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I love comments, especially because I know the time it takes to stop and type one, even a short one! Thanks very much!