I've made the decision to post my entry for the Erma Bombeck 2016 Writing Competition here on my blog. Some of my writer pals have suggested they might save theirs for another contest, but after thinking it over, I didn't like the possibility of it being rejected...again!
(At the bottom, please keep scrolling and reading
for some information about my entry,
and also about a gift card giveaway)
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| Erma Bombeck |
Husbands: Sometimes You Can’t Hardly Look at Them Without
Snarling!
Boy, don’t I know it! What is it with men
anyway? When it comes to listening to their wives, they either can’t understand
simple directions, only hear part of what we say, or completely tune us out. My
much-loved husband Ron, has been guilty of all three complaints a few times
during our 33 years of marriage, but the most recent episode practically had me
snarling in the aisles of a local grocery store.
It all began one morning at the checkout
counter in an outlet mall, when I realized I didn’t have my debit card.
Fortunately I had my Master Card tucked away in a special area of my purse…for
Emergencies Only. I’d say this particular moment was definitely an emergency. I
certainly didn’t want the embarrassment of announcing I didn’t have enough
money.
After paying for my purchase, I walked to
the parking lot in a daze, tossed my bags into my car, and climbed in…racking
my brain the entire time. When did I use that card last? Where could it be? Was
a bandit emptying out my “gigantic” bank account at this very moment?! I
wondered about it as I drove to my next stop. Then it hit me! I used it the day
before when I bought lunch, and tucked it inside the top pocket of my suit jacket.
As soon as I got to the grocery store, I
called Ron and asked him to look in our bedroom closet for the jacket. I guess
he heard “my brown winter coat in the coat closet.” Uh, no. Then he thought I
said “a sweatshirt.” NO! I finally got him to listen enough to hear me say, “No,
it’s in my side of our bedroom
closet. Look for a lightweight jacket that has tiny red, black, and white
squares, TINY squares.” I hear the noise of hangers being pushed back and
forth.
“I don’t see anything like that.”
“It has to be right in front of you. It’s
kind of like a shirt with a collar. It’s not a heavy jacket.”
More silence except the swishing of
clothes and hangers. Once again he said it’s not there. I let out a heavy sigh,
but kept my mounting frustration to myself.
“Never
mind. I’ll look when I get home. Thanks anyway, honey. Bye.”
As I pushed my cart along, he texted the
words “Got it” along with a photo of the jacket and the card. Unbelievable.
When I got home, he said I hadn’t told him
it had little squares, but that I’d said “polka dots.” Oh my gosh. Husbands.
Sometimes you can’t hardly look at them (or listen to them) without snarling!
Okay, here's some info about this piece
I realize that "can't hardly" is not proper grammar! The entire title is something my dear friend, Rita W. said to me a few years ago. We were sitting at her kitchen table (isn't that just the best place to talk with your girlfriends?) and we were complaining about whatever our husbands were doing, or were not doing, at that time that was driving us crazy. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I busted out laughing (which happened a lot when Rita was anywhere near) and said, "Hold on. I've got to write that down, so I don't forget it! I grabbed a pen and scrap paper from my purse, jotted it down, and have kept it ever since. It's all wadded up and in a huge envelope of notes and clippings of "writerly stuff." I'll write more about Rita another day, but for now just know that she was sweet, kind, motherly, hilarious, ETC! I've referred to her for years as Crazy Rita. She died about 2-1/2 years ago and I think of her every single day and miss her so much. I hope she's smiling at me right now, and making her crazy snarling face!
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GIFT CARD GIVEAWAY
I have a Barnes & Noble gift card for $10.00 that can be used in a store or online. All you need to do is leave a comment here of any kind. Maybe you have a funny spouse story you'd like to share, or something about a wonderful friend, or what purchase you'd like to put your gift card toward...I realize $10.00 can't buy much of anything all by its little old self! (Drawing will be done next Wednesday, March 16)
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